Road Trip!!
Not the entire group is going, just Lisa and I, but we are hitting the road later today to go and retrieve my Mom from Door County. We haven’t decided yet if we’re doing it all in one shot or staying overnight once we arrive, but either way my mom will be once again living in Illinois by Sunday :)
Grandma Lor will be staying with us for the first couple weeks while she gets acclimated, meets with her new doctor, gets her new drivers license, etc…. Then she’ll be moving in with Bud, Lisa, Court and the boys after that. THEN, the plan is that she’ll be staying in Plainfield during the week and Schaumburg on the weekends. Lisa works five minutes from our house so this will make the weekly commutes very easy on all. Also when Tom and I go to Vegas in August, Mom can come stay so that we don’t have to relocate Busia. Yay!!! Freedom sweet freedom!
So here’s to a safe trip and I’ll talk to you all on Monday!
Tiny Bubbles…..
Ty and I met with the urologist yesterday annnnnd, no surgery needed. On one hand I’m completely relieved because, well, who wants to deal with a 16 year old autistic kid recovering from man junk surgery, but on the other hand he’s still in pain? Soooo I’m a bit miffed that the doctors only advice was “Next time it causes you discomfort, try a warm bath.” Oh yes, silly me, how could I forget about the Warm Bath & Spa located just North of the cafeteria at Ty’s school. Ugh.
So that’s it for now, the doc said that there is absolutely no sign of testicular cancer (I didn’t ask about that, he offered it up, which was awesome) and he’d like to see him have another ultrasound in a year. ”We usually don’t operate on hydroceles” The doctor said “Until they get large enough to cause embarrassment to the patient.” Ummm, hellooo? Autistic kid. He doesn’t exactly embarrass easily!
So that’s that, but damn me for listening to The Howard Stern show because I can’t get Big Ball John out of my head ever since I found out Ty was having issues….
Yes, it’s real. This poor man has been suffering from these ever expanding testicles for years now, but since his final attempt to find help by going on the Stern show, surgeons around the world have now taken on his case and he’s just trying to raise the money needed for travel and hospital stay.
When I called Tom last week with the news of Ty’s “fluid issues” I asked frantically “Is Ty going to need a milk crate?” “Jesus Brandy” Tom laughs being an avid Stern follower and knowing exactly what I was speaking of “Honey” Tom says kindly trying his best to calm me “I assure you Ty will never need a milk crate.”
On a side-note…. this would be where I got the idea to have Cupcakeam’s daughter Megan step into the armholes of Liz’s hoodie to keep her bare legs warm at the walk. And look, she even has a pocket to keep her hands toastyl!!
Brilliant huh? Okay, maybe stealing an idea from Big Balls John is not my proudest moment, but Amy/mom securing it with packing tape, definitely took it to a much lower level :)
Greetings From…..Who The Hell Knows?
Busia’s cousin’s granddaughter, or someone like that, has gotten the genealogy bug and has been asking Busia for pictures of their ancestors from Poland. So Busia has been working diligently on translating the Polish words on the back of the photos because she has to see if its the correct side of the family or not to send to this woman. Busia even found a hand written letter which she says is possibly from HER grandfather? Either way I’ve been doing my best to help her with this little project but let’s face it, I’m a one-language-one-trick-pony, so I’m not a huge help, but scanning and copying, I’m your gal!
So we’re working on the photos this past Monday when our cleaning lady Sophie enters the room ”Sophie, Sophie” Busia says waving her over “Come see photos from Poland.” They begin talking Polish and I decide to go about my day which includes running to Walgreens to get more of Busia’s old photos copied to send to this woman who’s latest hobby is keeping me very occupied.
I pick up the photo order on Tuesday, bring it home to Busia and she is once again blown away at the quality of the new copies “It’s amazing” She exclaims “You would think they were taken yesterday!” Ha! So cute. Then Busia says “Oh did I tell you that Sophie translated that letter I had from Poland?” ”Wow” I say “Was there anything interesting in it?” ”Yes!” Busia exclaims “It was written in 1987! Can you believe that?” ??? ”Busia?” I say treading lightly “I think you mean 1887?” ”Nooo” Busia says “Sophie said 1987, the letter is from 1987.” ”O-kay” I say “But that wasn’t that long ago, and I thought you said the letter came from your grandfather or his second wife or something?” ”Yes” Busia says “But in 1987. Can you believe it?” ??? Huh and ugh.
Sadly we go through this sort of thing every other Monday when Sophie works. Between Sophies poor English and Busia’s poor hearing lets just say every other Monday you can guarantee I am utterly confused at some point by one or both of them….
Sophie see’s a pot on the stove that I had soaking. She turns to me and says “Soap?…. Soup?” “Oh” I say trying to rush over and dump it, but she cuts me off “Soap?…. Soup?” ”No,no” I say but before I can explain Sophie says “I try!” And dips a spoon into the soapy water and slurps it up “Soap!” She says all excited to finally have solved the riddle of my laziness “I wash!” And with a smile and a nod she washes it. Poor Sophie. But then later that night Busia sits down to dinner and says “I thought Sophie said you were making soup for dinner?” Are you starting to understand why we have Wonky Monday’s in our house twice a month?
Then Sophie went on a very strict diet a couple months back because of high cholesterol, or issues with her vagina, I can never tell. Her default hand signal when she’s trying to translate medical issues to me is to always make big sweeping movements in front of her hoo-hoo, so WHO knows, but Busia said it was cholesterol, so it’s cholesterol. Sophie shows up one Monday and I compliment her on how good she looks from two weeks ago when I last saw her “Thir-teen” Sophie says “Thirrrr-teeeen”. ”Wow” I say “That’s great Sophie! How?” I ask, because Sophie is not a big woman to begin with so for a tiny person to lose 13 that quickly I wanted the scoop. Sophie proceeds in very animated movements, away from her vagina, and says loudly “No Pierogi! No potato! No Babka! No Kluski!” I’m guessing The Atkinski Diet. But then Busia comes out later and says “Can you believe Sophie lost 30 pounds in two weeks? 30 pounds! Brandy you should do what she’s doing.” Ugh.
So, I’m back to working on the photos last night and because I cannot let anything go, I know, one of my many issues, I ask Busia “Hey? Do you mind if I see that letter from Poland that Sophie gave you the date on?” ”Oh sure” Busia says, taking a lid off one of her many shoe boxes “Here you go.” She hands me the sheet and…. Oh for cry-eye, it’s on white spiral notebook paper, it is from 1987! So wait, this means Sophie was right about the date, and that Busia also heard her right? So that would mean…..I’m the only one that’s confused? Ackkk!! Oh but wait… “Busia?” I say showing her the paper from the Trapper Keeper “I don’t think this is from your grandfather?” ”Hmm?” Busia says stumped “Then I don’t know who it’s from because he’s the only one in Poland that kept in touch with us?” Busia then begins to giggle “Who know’s?” She chuckles ”I’ll have to ask Sophie who it’s from the next time she visits.”
Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t we have a very important blog Brunch on that Monday?
A Night Ouch! I Mean Out….
This shot is from the other evening when Emmy announced after the long day “My back is killing me.” Which is exactly when Ty, while putting his arm around her, said “Emmy it’s okay. You lean on me. I’m strong for both of us.” Awwwww, and if I was a crier I would’ve flooded the place. But this also goes to show that no matter how much I whined about the weather and what-have-you, this moment alone will forever give the walk a special place in my heart. Awwwwww.
Okay on to later that night…..After the walk Bubba agreed to take Emmy back to Sherrie and Busia at our house and Ty back with him to his house for a sleepover, which left Tom and I with a romantic evening to ourselves, or so you’d think if it was anyone but us….
We were both so freaking exhausted that when we got back to the room we collapsed immediately in separate beds, ahhhhhh, love that about hotels. Tom crashed big time, but I couldn’t sleep for the life of me. I guess too much adrenaline or something, so I gave him a couple hours to snooze and then we headed out for dinner.
Our biggest thrill when we have a night away to ourselves is to eat anywhere that we know Emmy and Ty would turn their noses up at. Saturday night’s choice….Bodega Restaurant, which is a tapas place in Chicago owned by Iron Chef Jose Garces. ”You had me at Tapas” I told Tom, but if that wasn’t enough, the restaurant was directly outside the door of our hotel which meant no WALKING!! Yay!!
We didn’t have reservations so they could only seat us at a high top table directly to the side of the open kitchen. Upside…we can watch all the chefs up close and in action! Downside…I have to lift my aching fat ass thigh upward to get on the chair. Owwww!
Sadly Chef Garces wasn’t there, but it was still a blast watching them crank out all the delicacies, plate after artfully done plate. The chef closest to us was in charge of cheese, desserts and toasted bread, and as my mom can confirm, my favorite food in all the world, toast. This is all I ever ordered as a child no matter what restaurant we went to. Not a huge dilemma during the 70′s at places like The Golden Bear, but an order of toast at lets say The Magic Pan or Mr. Steak? Yup, had to learn quickly to give crepes and meat a chance. Anyhoo, this magical wizard of toast, I could’ve watched him all night long. From his salty brushetta to the crispy sticks he drizzled with lamb aujus, oh my, it was toast nirvana! You guys no me well enough by now to know that although I love to cook and bake, I am absolutely not a foodie, so for me to feel this passionately about something on a plate, you know it must’ve been out of this world.
We finish our meal. Owwwww, God Bless it! I really need to get in shape! We head back to the hotel and while we’re in the elevator I begin to itch all over my right leg. ”What the hell?” I say pulling up my pants leg to seek out where all the discomfort is coming from. ”Huh?” I say out loud “Did I get bit or something?” And I show Tom the 6 newly formed welts on my leg. ”Hmmm” Tom says “I don’t think it’s warm enough for mosquitoes yet?” “Oh my God” I say “What if they’re hives? Do you think I ate something I’m allergic to?” Tom shrugs “How the hell would I know?” He says “So anyway, what do you want to do tonight?” ??? “What do I want to do tonight?” I snap but now my thigh is itching as well so I can’t even begin to go off on him. ”Oh my God” I say feverishly clawing at my skin “It’s spreading!” ”Relax” Tom says all mellow from his nap, fully tummy, and 3 glasses of wine “I’m sure it’s nothing.”
We get up to the room and I immediately rip my pants off “Now we’re talking” Tom says all sloshy like. Really? I’m inspecting what may quickly become festering wounds and he is actually thinking about sex right now??? Ugh, men. “Look!” I scream counting out loud “There are now ten of them!” I immediately stick my tongue out at him and say “Ith id thwollen? ith by mongue thwollen” I ask. ”How the hell would I know” Tom says faking an inspection of my tongue “But if you’re looking for something that’s swoll….” Ackkk!!!! “Run down to the hotel gift shop” I implore him “And see if they have any Benadryl” ”Fine” Tom pouts “but then can we go out or something after that?” Ugh. “Just Go!!” I say and push him out the door. He returns quickly and I rip open the package. It says to take two but I need this itching to stop! “Let’s see…” I say quickly reading the dosage instructions “I’m at least five times the size of a 12 year old….. so four it is!”
Ummmm, I’m pretty sure to the best of my recollection we did not have a romantic evening because I blacked out and don’t remember anything after sipping the water to chase down the little pink pills of bliss. The only thing I do know is that when I finally awoke on Sunday morning, the damn itchy bastards were still there. Crap! That means they are absolutely not hives like I originally thought. ”Bed bugs?” Tom asks looking at them closely. ”You think?” I say “But if it was bed bugs Emmy would’ve been bitten Friday night when she slept in this bed?” ”Who knows?” Tom says “Maybe it’s shingles again? I mean they are brought on by stress and….” Wahhhhhh, so I spent the rest of my mothers day itching all over and refusing to believe that my body has no other way of sending me warning signals of being overwhelmed other than itchy welts? Wahhhhh and we really need to quit trying to do these date nights, they never ever go well, sigh.
One And Done!!
That would be my mantra to my entire family this weekend as they hung in there at The Walk for Autism Speaks at Soldier Field. “One and done” I kept insisting “Just do it this one year and I’ll never make you guys do it again.” ”Fiiiiinnnnne” They whined in unison and were troopers because the weather….ugh the weather, it was awful. I am still shocked by all the thousands that were not deterred by the low temps and storms because I’m telling you if we were not staying at a hotel a mile from the stadium, the walk would’ve been minus four, but more on the rain later, lets first start at the beginning….
Emmy and I headed down to the stadium on Friday morning and arrived around 9:15. Tom and Ty were taking the train down and then catching a cab over to the Hilton on Michigan Ave. where they were waiting until our volunteers hours were completed.
Mother and daughter’s first assignment…Head outside of the stadium and help to set up the registration area. The rental company took care of all the delivery and set up of tables so all we needed to do was cover the tables in cloths. Woo-hoo easy peasy. Once that was completed we went back in for another assignment “Head out to the Grand Club (big time donors that raise thousands) and cover all of those tables. Then after that, go out to Waldron and make sure those tables are covered as well.” Okey-dokey, I just wish one of my resource fair leaders were here so I could get started working on the committee that I’ve been assigned to since January. By the time Emmy and I are heading to the tables on Waldron, blog reader and friend Liz has arrived to join us. We all finish up the hundreds of tables outside and are then directed into the Mezzanine level to join up with Jamie our team captain that I’ve been working with to book vendors.
Liz, Emmy and I find Jamie and she says “Okay, I’m going to need you guys to put tablecloths on all the tables up in this section.” Ughhhh not more tables? Oh well, what’r'ya gonna do? Liz and I get started but quickly encounter a problem this time around. The table coverings up here are too long or the tables too short, either way I’m glad for the challenge. Liz and I figure out a way to expertly fold and tape the excess of all seventy plus tables when Jamie approaches and decides she’s not real happy with how the coverings are laying. ”I think we need to figure out a different way to cover them so that they are more snug and look cleaner?” Liz is like “Is she kidding? Who the hell cares how smooth the plastic tablecloths are?” I decide though to suck it up and do what we came here to do one last time and then we’ll be done and on our way. Liz grudgingly agrees. Someone somewhere comes over and by using duct tape secures the cloths from underneath the table and a new plan is quickly formed. ”Okay” Jamie tells us “Re-do all seventy with the tape and then we should be good to go.” Ugh, and poor Liz who is still recovering from a smashed broken finger that met with the wrong side of a door a couple months back. Liz, Emmy, another volunteer named Sarah and I work together to get all the tables recovered and secured with the tape. Just as we’re finishing up the 3 last tables our leader approaches and says “Bad news. I just came from the south end of the Mezzanine and the tape isn’t holding, all the covers have blown off.” Are you flipping kidding me? “Sooooo” Our leader says “I’ve just sent someone to the store for stronger tape (stronger than duct tape?) and we’ll start again as soon as they’re back.” ”No way” Liz says having had enough “It’s 2:30 I need to go!” Oh thank God!! Because if I was alone Emmy and I would’ve been there until 8 at night making tablecloth origami. So we get ready to leave and that is when Jamie informs me that the corporate office “has taken a vote” and “We’ve decided to assign you the most difficult vendor we have.” ??? “You’ll be responsible for taking care of his every need” She says “And believe me it will be a laundry list of things…” Greaat! Can someone please tell me how they have me confused with Wanda/Cupcake? Me accommodating to a man? Puh-leze, but I’m nothing if not up for the challenge so I decide to tap my inner Wanda and kill him with kindness! First though I need to get all the dirt on him so I know exactly what I’ll be dealing with….
1) He’s a doctor. Or as he says, repeatedly throughout the day, “Doc-tooor” Ugh.
2) He’s disabled or so he says but he won’t tell us his disability in advance because he doesn’t want to draw attention to it. ??? I don’t even know where to begin with that one.
3) He has already threatened possible legal action if we do not allow him appropriate accommodations because of his disability. Ummmm Doc dude, you can’t have it both ways! Either you’re embracing your disability, telling us what it is and asking for help, orrrr you want no special treatment for being special. Either way pick one and figure it out.
So the next morning I arrive bright and early but Dr. Dread is already there. His first complaint of the day…. “The music on the field is much too loud.” This is handled by one of my team leaders and roughly 300 packages of foam earplugs for him to keep at his booth. Check!
Next problem…He doesn’t have two separate displays for the two locations of the vendor fair (Inside and outside) even though this is a stated contract rule with all of our vendors. Surprise, surprise, he doesn’t think rules apply to him. So now I need to find 10 volunteers to help me run all his crap from one end of the stadium at 10:30 to the other end by 10:45. Ugh. Just picture a really fat version of Luke Skywalker running through a football stadium with Yoda on her, errr I mean, his back.
3rd Issue- I’m organizing my ten volunteers and explaining to them all exactly what we will have to do to breakdown his booth, move it, and quickly get it back up when he interrupts me and scolds my volunteers for standing in front of his “signage” and blocking his “traffic pattern”. My ten volunteers scurry into the crowd after being scolded and I need to start over from scratch finding people. Ackkkk!!!!
Oh and let me just say, his disability? A smidge of a turned foot and a slight limp. Listen Pal, have you seen my stomach that looks as though my ass is in front of me at all times? Yup, I’m way more disabled and disfigured than you are!!
So a team of us gets him moved and we are no sooner outside and he is asking for something else “Do you have a towel to dry off this tabletop?” He asks “Because at two dollars a brochure I would hate for them to get ruined and me to have to bill you?” Ha! Can I tell you how much I love men when they make threats? Dude you are so lucky I’m representing a big organization here or else I’d be shoving those foam bullet ear plugs up your ass, but instead I say….”Sorry I don’t have a towel.” Only for him to look at my fleece jacket, which is the only barrier I have between my bare arms and the pouring rain, and he says “Well you could use that I guess?” ????? Ackkkk!!! But instead of argue I do the only thing I know that will make this dreadful day end, I take off my jacket and begin wiping down his tables with it. Ughhh.
My superiors are not pleased when they realize what I’ve done for the greater good “Absolutely NOT!” They say in unison “You do not dry off his tables with your coat.” ”It’s okay” I say because in the end I just keep telling myself “One and done. One and done.” And wouldn’t you know it? At the end of the day when I’m dripping wet and breaking down his booth as well as emotionally, he says “Well I just want to say that I am really impressed with your organization, and I’ve had such a great experience that I’d like to participate every year from here on out!” Ha! So although I won’t be doing any more walks, the good doctor is going to be around awhile thanks to my killer handling skills! Ha! He’s like the crappy gift that just keeps on giving!
Update: Ahhhh, it’s now Monday morning and I’ve finally had a full nights sleep :) On the whole the experience was great and the people from Speaks are awesome and awe inspiring in their dedication to the cause. I’m sure by next Spring my sore muscles will be healed and I’ll remember this weekend fondly and possibly even get the itch to reenlist, and IF that should happen, I’ll just go back, read this posting and head to the cabin instead :)
And We’re Walking….And We’re Walking…And…
Leaving at the crack of dawn this morning to head downtown for the Walk on Saturday at Soldier Field! Emmy and I are volunteering all day today and all day tomorrow. Tom is leading up Team Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious but the gang will be a bit less Super as Ty sits on the bench because of his “hockey injury”….
When Ty came home from school yesterday he asked right away “Well did the doctor call?” “Yes” I said “And they did find a couple things wrong on the ultrasound.” ”They did?” He asked sounding shocked “Like what?” So I then explained to him the best way I could what they had found but that we really won’t know anything until we see another doctor. ”Okay” Ty said “But does this mean….” ”What?” I ask trying to jump in his head “Does this mean what Ty? Surgery? Needles? Medicine?….” ”No, no, no.” Ty says “Does this mean….Ummmm…..that ‘alone time’ with myself is prohibited?” ???Wow! That may be the most normal teenage response Ty’s ever had! Of course a normal teenager wouldn’t ask that out loud, they would just assume they couldn’t, and yet, I’m still taking it as a breakthrough!
So last night Tom and Ty had a long discussion about EVERYTHING with Ty stressing big time over the possibility of losing one of America’s favorite past times. ”Well it takes two weeks to break a habit” Ty said “But I think I just need to do it like a turkey? Yeah a turkey.” Aww, he’s so cute. ”You don’t have to quit cold turkey” Tom says “What you’re doing is perfectly normal. In fact men who do what you’re doing, lower their chances greatly of ever getting prostate cancer.” ??!! Wow, you would think that tidbit would be all over the news, right? ”Men and teenage boys around the world rejoice as they are given green light in order to fight prostate cancer!” Ugh.
So Ty seems good with the whole testicle thing. He actually obsessed much more yesterday on all the particulars surrounding The Walk that he is no longer required to walk in than the reason behind the free pass. And really, why would any one worry over two little testicles when there are much bigger things in this world to worry about like prostate cancer?! Ugh, only Tom.
I’m Sure Ty’s Fine…
You would think my only concern yesterday would be whether or not the ultrasound of Ty’s man parts would show something abnormal but as we got closer to the hospital I was able to distract myself with a different worry…What if between the gel, the nurse, and the examining of his…well you know, Ty get’s…ahem… excited? So I cross my fingers and whisper repeatedly “Troll for a tech, troll for a tech, c’moooon troll for a tech!” Eh. Who am I kidding? He’s a teenage boy! You could show him a relief map of the Smoky Mountains and it would cause an erection. Ugh.
So the technician is not a troll, but unless Ty is into women in their early 50′s with crew cuts? We should be fine. The tech begins the imaging and some confusion ensues as Ty tells her “The pain began when I was playing hockey.” Ughhh. Before you know it though she’s spent a half hour on just the right one. ?? Yikes, that can’t be good? Then she moves over to the left and proceeds to spend another half hour on that one… So, either they are both equally the same/normal, or they are both completely a mess. Who knows?
The tech finally says “We’re done!” Oh thank God “ Buuut” She adds “don’t get dressed just yet. Let me go make sure we don’t need any more pictures and if not then you can go?” Crap! She comes back in, all smiles, and says “Nope, you’re good to go. Get dressed and I’ll meet you outside.” Fee-you. I then tell her that we’d like a copy of the disc and she says “No problem, I’ll have them burn it right now.” Ty startles a bit at the word “burn” while his pants are still down but I assure him we mean a CD, not a peepee. “C’mon mom” Ty groans “Why do you have to have a copy? Why are you always so needy?” I’m going to ignore that because he’s in pain, but without a copy how will I possibly drive Tom nuts all night long going over all 67 images again and again? So instead I say ”Zip it Mister!” And proceed to point to his mouth as well as his fly. Ugh.
We exit the room and the tech greets us right outside the door “Okay” She says “The disc is being burned as we speak, so where can I escort you to next…labs? Oncology? MRI?” ??!!!?? Huh? Wha? Whoa? What did she just say? I must look completely freaked out because she begins speaking very quickly “I’m sorry” She says “Were we your last stop today? We were, weren’t we? ” Last stop? Try only stop! WTF??? “Wait a minute” I say ”Why did you say oncology? You said oncology? Why did you say oncology?” Only dogs can hear me at this point. “No,no” she stammers “It’s just that….I’m sorry, I just didn’t realize that you were only seeing us today?” Okay, she’s completely backpeddaling because when we entered the ultrasound room she already went over everything with us….. from when Ty’s pain first started, Sunday, to when he first saw the doctor about it, Tuesday, to when the doc ordered the test for, WEDNESDAY!! So how the hell did we jump from onset of pain Sunday to needing directions to the oncology department on Wednesday?? I breathe deeply and begin… “The only reason we are here today is for the ultrasound you just administered. Are you saying that you assumed after we were done with you we would be on our way to oncology?” ”Oh no” She stammers “No, no. I just do the scans. Which, haven’t even been read yet? I just thought….again I apologize.” ??!!?? I swear if she offers to make me a poor-you potluck dish with cream of crap soup, I’m going to faint.
So we leave the department and I text Tom frantically telling him everything that just went down. ”Relax” He texts back “I’m sure she was just trying to be helpful?” ???? Helpful?? Did he just say she was trying to be helpful?? Okay, here’s ME being helpful…If a testicular transplant is needed, I have a donor and his name is Tom!! Hate men and their men parts! Ugh.
Haven’t heard anything yet, so I’m assuming no news, good news, yada-yada-yada, but in case Tom gets wind of this post….Yes, I know there is no such thing as a testicular transplant, ughhh.
Testis…Testis…One…Two…
Ty comes downstairs Sunday night and says “Dad? Can we have a man-man talk?” ”Sure Ty” Tom says getting up from the couch and following Ty into the kitchen “What’s going on buddy?” ”Well” Ty says nervously “What is that called that isn’t your leg, or your feenis, or your butt?” Tom quickly gets out his decoder ring…“You mean your testicles?” Tom says. ”Yes!” Ty says “That’s it! Those are them!” ”Okay?” Tom says “What about them?” ”They hurt really bad” Ty says “You see I was playing…” Oh God! I sit in the other room holding my breath and afraid for the next part… “NHL 2012 on playstation” fee-you “When all of a sudden it started hurting really bad.”
So Tom and Ty head upstairs to check things out. Tom comes back down and I jump on him right away “Just tell me” I begin rambling “Are they the size of a football? Is it a hernia? Cysts? Cancer? What? What’s wrong with them?” “Jesus Brandy” Tom says “What the hell is wrong with you?” ”I don’t know” I say “But nothing ever goes smoothly around here, so I’m just assuming whatever is wrong is bad? So is it? Is it bad?” Tom laughs “How the hell would I know? I couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary but I also haven’t seen that much of the kid in years so it’s not like I have something to compare anything to?” ”Yeah” I said “But if they were lets say double the size of yours or something you would know that right?” ”Yessss” Tom says “And they seem fine.” ”Okay” I say “That’s good, but then why is he in pain?” ”How would I know?” Tom says blowing me off and leaving the room. ”Well” I say following him “What did you tell him?” ”Nothing” Tom says. ”Nothing?” I squawk “Your sons having pain in his man junk and you tell him nothing?” ”Nooo” Tom says exasperated “I told him that sometimes balls hurt.” ??!!?? “That’s it?” I gasp. Okay first off…this is so not fair. When a daughter/niece/ sister-in-law etc… gets her period, it’s like ongoing counseling for who knows how many years, but boys with ball pain? “Yup, sucks to be you, walk it off pal.” Ugh. And secondly…Sometimes balls hurt? Is that true? How could I not know this? Tom’s a complete wuss when it comes to pain so I’m pretty sure if he had lets say monthly cramping, I would know!
So that’s Sunday and Ty goes to school on Monday and lasts all day even though he’s still complaining about being uncomfortable. Then Monday night rolls around and he is up ALL NIGHT in pain. I call the doctor first thing Tuesday and they tell me they can get him in with the male doctor on Wednesday. ”Isn’t there someone he can see earlier?” I ask. ”Well there’s Candace, the nurse practitioner?” The nurse says “But I’m assuming since he’s a teenage boy he would prefer to see a man about this?” ”Nope” I say “He’s autistic, he could care less who he see’s. I’ll take whoever has the first available.” We schedule an appointment for Tuesday afternoon with Candace and I keep him home for the day.
When we get in the exam room Ty is doing very well going over his whole history with the new nurse that is filling in for our regular nurse that already knows him. ”I have autism” Ty says “It’s a brain disorder.” ”Yes” The nurse says beaming at him “And I can see you are a very articulate young man.” ”Yeah” Ty says nodding in agreement “But my dad says they’re called testicles not articles.” Ha!
Candace comes in and she has a student with her today. She begins to examine Ty and is asking him all the basics “When did the pain start? How long has it lasted? How often does it hurt?” and finally “Is it the right or left?” ”Well” Ty says thinking really hard “It’s both. Yes, both. And it’s like they are having a war with each other!” She looks at me for guidance and I shrug in complete confusion. The Great Testicular War of 2012? So Candace orders up a urine test and an ultra sound just to be on the safe side, but she feels no hernia or anything like that. Fee-you.
Ultra sound is this afternoon and we just hope Dad had the diagnosis correct with “They’re balls. Sometimes balls hurt.” Ugh. I still don’t get that? Guys are such babies, I’m pretty sure we would know if this was a daily occurrence? Oh well, I’ll keep my trap shut until the results come in.
But seriously? How can that be?
Wedding Bells…Ding-Dong!
Tom and weddings. Ughh. How best to describe him at these events…. hmmm…. let’s see….Overly-celebratory? Festive and Fancy Free? No matter what spin you put on it, simply envision happy go lucky drunk and disorderly.
We had 3 invites for this past Saturday the 5th. 1) A birthday party for my cousins daughter 2) A communion party for my friends daughter, and 3) Justine and Nick’s wedding. Justine is the daughter of Tim and Linda who Tom went to school with way back when. So yes, that would mean that Tom is old enough to have a child getting married. Yikes. Originally I rsvp’d “No” to both the b-day party and the communion because the church for the wedding was so far away from the reception I didn’t think we’d have time for anything else. But then Tom backed out of the church part of the wedding which gave us a bit of a window, so on the way to reception we quickly stopped by the communion party for all of 15 minutes. Tom has a glass of wine and is telling our friends “Oh you don’t want to see me at a wedding, I’m a complete mess.” As you’ve guessed he doesn’t mean emotionally, but admitting the problem is the first step to recovery, soooo Go Tommy! Everyone looks at me for confirmation of what Tom is saying “Oh yeah” I say “When he starts grinding against the grandmother of the bride it’s usually time to go.” ”I can’t dance” Tom pouts ”It’s my only move.” Ugh. We bid our farewell to our autism friends and head off to Tom’s childhood friends.
We arrive and Timmy and Linda have gone all out. There’s not only silver trayed appetizers circling around by white gloved attendants, but there’s also a full martini bar, margarita bar, and all encompassing Top Shelf bar, in case you simply can’t decide, all open and all waiting to pour. Hands inside the ride at all times people, here we go. Surprisingly though Tom is taking it slow and seems if anything, tired. Hmmm? We were out late on Friday night, maybe that’s it? If so, remind me to do that again before all future nuptials.
So Tom is still sipping his glass of wine when we all sit down at our table and begin to catch up with each other. No sooner does someone to my left ask me ” So how are Emmy and Ty doing?”, when the spouse to Tom’s right asks him…. “So how do you like my nails?” Sigh. “I don’t know?” Tom says having absolutely no clue WHY she would want his opinion on this. Ugh men. Why do you think she wants your opinion you dolt? She’s the skinny-blond-cosmetically enhanced trophy wife of your buddy that you’re supposed to be envious of because he is on his relatively new second marriage unlike you who are STILL married to that same ol’ fatty that sadly writes a blog, AND as if the differences between she and your wife aren’t apparent enough, lets point out even the minutest of details, like how her NAILS are even hotter than your wife’s paws! HER Nails- A turquoise and glitter covered French manicure covered in painstakingly placed bling. While YOUR WIFE’s hooves may or may not have a hint of orange residue on them from making contact with Cheetos on the ride over. Ugh. ”Oh C’mon” She giggles at Tom while doing her best finger flicking jazz hands “Don’t you like them?” “Tom” I implore with my eyes ” just give her the damn attention she desires so we can move on” ”Sure, I guess they’re okay” Tom says “If you’re a stripper?”
Ha! See, if she read my BLOG she would know you never ask my husband a question you don’t want his honest opinion on? To say that she was not pleased with Tom’s feedback would be putting it mildly, and although the remainder of the night was definitely weird, the rest of us had a great time. And to top it off? The only time Tom “danced”, was with me to What a Wonderful World (There’s a story behind why we always dance to that song but yet again that’s for another posting)
So, anyhoo, from my point of view the night is going unexpectedly well when Tom’s buddy announces “We just got back from Vegas a few weeks ago and we’re going again at the end of the month. When was the last time you guys went?” Ugh. ”When I had my first menopausal meltdown and Tom didn’t know what the hell to do to quiet a crying Brandy!” but instead I calmly say…“I guess it’s been over a year now, right honey?” Only for Tom to smile at me. Yay, he finally gets that I want out of this conversation? Nope, not budging. Boy I can’t peg him tonight at all, I’m definitely losing my edge, I blame it on the body numbing Spanx! ”Actually” Tom says still beaming at me “I booked us a trip to Vegas for your birthday! We leave on August 2nd!” !!??!! ”Really?” I squeal, because if he’s lying to even the pissing field I’m going to kill him! But Tom never lies so I am not surprised at all when he says “Yes really” while smiling at me from ear to ear “I was going to wait until your birthday to surprise you but this seems as good of time as any.” Have I expressed just how much I love this man? Not only did he hit the nail on the head earlier, but he’s also stayed in control and functioning, annnnd as if all of that wasn’t enough? Now he surprises me with a trip to Vegas!?! Eeeekkkk! I Love him so much!!!
So in closing….Justine and Nick we wish you all the best in your marriage and only hope that someday you are able to attend a wedding after 18+ years and fall in love with each other all over again for all the silly reasons we were able to at yours. Congrats!!
The Elizabeth Argument….
We are in the final stretch for the Autism Walk this Saturday at Soldier Field and thanks again to everyone who supported Team Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!!!
I have to be at the walk set up on Friday by 9 a.m., work all day and then back again the next morning by 7, so we booked a hotel downtown to make it a bit easier and eliminate the back and forth of the burbs to the the Loop. So originally Busia was supposed to be going by Tom’s brothers house for the weekend but they had something come up and we were scrambling last week to figure out what to do with The Busia.
At one point I suggested we call Tom’s little sister Sherrie to see if she could come out and stay with her? ”Don’t bother Sherrie” Busia tells me “She’s young. She has a life, and things to do.” Ha! I’m not only old, but lifeless to boot! “Well Busia” I say “Maybe it’s time we look into getting you an Elizabeth?” (“An Elizabeth” means a polish woman who is hired to help out with the elderly in your home. Of course this is not an official term, but if the Krupa/Rutkowski/Krajewski Dictionary every goes to print, it will definitely be in there) ”Welllll” Busia says “I have that girlfriend Celia, and she can’t afford to spit, so I’m sure she could use a little extra cash?” Girlfriend? Are we talking another 95 year old, or a young whipper snapper that’s in her mid 70′s? “That sounds great Busia” I say excited at the prospect of never again having to find a weekend sitter “Maybe she could do your ironing as well while she’s here so that you don’t have to?” ”Yeah, maybe?” Busia says, and heads off to her room for the night.
The next morning Busia comes out to the family room “I was thinking…” Busia says, Ruh-roh. ”I’ve lived alone for 30 years. I don’t want anyone coming here and in my business.” Ugh, well that freedom was short lived. “If I have to have a baby sitter” Busia says all cranky “Then I might as well be in assisted living and I don’t think I need to be in assisted living!” ”Okay” I say trying to settle her down “But we need to figure something out before the 11th because of the walk?” ”Well” She says “What time are you done on that Friday helping them out, because I’m fine on my own during the daytime?” ”But remember?” I tell her “We’re staying at a hotel that weekend, so we weren’t planning on coming home Friday night at all?” ”Ohhhh” Busia says suddenly seeing the problem for the first time.
“Let me call Sherrie” I say “And see if she can help us out?” ”Okay” Busia finally concedes. I shoot off an email to Sher and call Tom…. “Getting an Elizabeth is off the table.”I say instead of hello “She won’t even hear of it today.” ”Fine” Tom huffs “Then just cancel the hotel and we’ll come home each night.” Ugh. So I call the hotel, but we booked a special package that has a no cancellation policy. Of course we did, ackkkk!!!
I go into Busias room and tell her that although I haven’t heard from Sherrie yet, we did try and cancel the hotel but we weren’t able to. ”Well I’ve never heard of something like that” She says “Did you tell them that it’s an emergency?” Sigh. “Well maybe…” Busia offers up “We can call Sophie and see if she can stay with me?” ”Sophie?” I say “You mean our cleaning lady Sophie?” ”Sure” Busia says “She obviously could use the money?” Cripes. ”But Sophie has her own mother she cares for that just arrived from Poland?”I say. “I know” Busia says “But Sophies married. Her husband can watch her mom and Sophie can come here and watch me?” Christ this is getting out of hand. “We’ll keep that in mind” I say to Busia and run to my computer to see if Sherrie has emailed back yet. Woo-hoo I’ve got mail!! Sherrie emails and says it’s absolutely no problem and she and Yui Chen can definitely stay with Busia. Yay!!! Sher Bear you’re a savior!! I go and tell Busia the good news, but also take this opportunity to add “Busia? I think we still need to look into other options with summer right around the corner and us going to the cabin all the time?” ”No, no” Busia says sweetly “I’ll just come with you each weekend.” Yayyyyy, insert sound of deflating balloon.
I text Tom and tell him how Sherrie has saved our ass,(Thanks again Sherrie!), but that Busia is also saying she will be going with us to the cabin all summer. The phone immediately rings “Are you kidding me?” Tom snaps “I’m not paying for a summer home so that I can sleep on the damn floor!!” ”Relax” I say “And we don’t sleep on the floor, we sleep up in the loft….” “Same thing!!” He snaps, but then takes a breath, calms down and immediately feels bad about getting angry “I can’t blame Busia” He says “I mean she’s 95. It’s not her fault.” ”I know” I say “And my mom will be here soon and maybe she can stay with her once and awhile when we go?” ”Noooo” He says “Busia is our responsibility. We’ll just have to take turns staying home with her.” Wahhhh, I want angry Tom back!!!
Ho-hum. I decide to throw the towel in on the whole Elizabeth argument and continue on with my lifeless day. That night at dinner Busia is worried “Maybe you should cook some Polish food for Sherrie and her boyfriend before they come next week because I don’t want them to worry about cooking for me?” ”Sure” I say in what can only be interpreted as a suicidal tone to my voice because Tom suddenly jumps in “Busia” He says lightly “don’t worry about Sherrie and Yui Chen. They’re adults, they can fen for themselves just fine.” “Well okay, if you think so.” Busia says “But Brandy?” She turns to me ” I don’t want you cooking for Tom and I every night either?” Really? Did she really just say that or have I officially gone off the deep end and am now hallucinating? “Awwwww Busia that’s sweet.” I say smiling from ear to ear. ”Sure” Busia says “This cooking every night is too much. You need to start cooking all the meals on Sunday and that way you have everything done for the entire week.”
Anyone know how to get wine out? Tom just spewed a mouthful across the dinner table and all over my top. The Busia definitely keeps us laughing, I’ll give her that!
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